my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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