I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
