We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
