it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
