I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I could make wine with my vomit
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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