this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
