Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
