I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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