we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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