Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My life is pants optional.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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