Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
