How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
