yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
