I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
