I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
