She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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