I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
