i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
