Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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