Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
