I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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