I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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