Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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