I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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