When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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