So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
