I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
