woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
