went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
