Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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