i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
