Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
