if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
