in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
