Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
