Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
