I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
