Soap is not a condiment
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
last night I used snow as a chaser
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
