And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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