i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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