How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
