Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
