I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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