Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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