Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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