i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize