I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
