I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
