she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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