no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
