I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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