A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
