You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She bit a glass in half.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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