But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
COCAINE IS GR8
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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