I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
