Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
