Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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