News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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