well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
