Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I died a long time ago.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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