Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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