he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
