nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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